On a Journey of Rediscovery with Khadeen Ellis

In the month of May, we have the opportunity to honor and recognize the important role of mothers. I would like to take a moment to express appreciation for the hardworking and dedicated mother, woman, and wife who manages multiple responsibilities. Khadeen Ellis is a remarkable representation of the power and strength of black women, and her relatable nature makes her feel like a beloved family member or friend. She and her husband, Devale, gained a significant following on the internet and social media due to their genuine and unfiltered personalities. We were granted access and have since developed a strong interest.

The spotlight is on Khadeen Ellis. This is a time in her life where she is exploring her identity beyond her roles as a spouse, parent, and caretaker for others. Khadeen Ellis is featured on the cover of this issue, and as someone who was raised by a black mother who also spoke life into her children every day, it is a pleasure to see her doing the same for her four black sons.

It is widely acknowledged that black women bear a significant amount of responsibility, but Khadeen is encouraging them to prioritize self-care and recognize the value of setting boundaries by saying ‘no.’

Cox: Khadeen Ellis, before we get into how amazing you are as a wife and mother, I want to know who Khadeen Ellis, the woman, is. 
Ellis: It’s funny because I feel like at this particular time and day, Khadeen is in a rediscovery phase. And I say that because much of the past ten to fifteen years of my life have really been dedicated to bringing forth life as a mom and establishing a home for my husband and boys. I’m finding out who Khadeen is at the root of it all. Sometimes she gets lost in the shuffle and becomes a blur. This is something I feel many women can relate to. 

Cox: Why do you feel that many women can relate to that? 
Ellis: You know, sometimes we must embrace the change of knowing that the things we might have wanted in the past aren’t necessarily what we want anymore. And that’s okay! We have to release ourselves from the shackles of the timeline that we had for our lives. We start to think, I’m here getting older, and I should have done this or that.   

Cox: What else is happening in this phase of self-discovery for you? 
Ellis: It’s also a space now where Khadeen, as a woman, is celebrating and taking the time to be gentle with herself. I’m celebrating how far I’ve come. But I feel like I’m also gearing up for the next forty years of my life, God willing, because I’m going to be forty this year. I want this next phase to also be the most impactful for me as a mother raising four black sons, which I don’t take lightly. I brought them into this world, and it is of paramount importance for me to be an example of a woman for them. I’m here to nurture them and prepare them for the world. 

Cox: Speaking of the next couple of decades, what are you looking forward to? 
Ellis: First and foremost, the most paramount role that I have is being a mother. But also, being the best version of a wife to my husband because we’ve literally built so much together since we were eighteen years old. And then really seeing what my career will look like now that I’m ready to get back in front of the camera again. 

I feel that I’m at a place now in my life where I don’t have to put things on hold or stop my career because I’m having another baby or having to get back into the postpartum phase. I can put all of these fears to rest and focus on myself a bit more. 

Cox: I think this goes back to when you said women can relate to you getting lost in the shuffle with everything. 
Ellis: Yes, to go back to your first question, it’s because Khadeen, as a woman right now in this phase of rediscovering herself, is learning the importance of reprioritizing. She’s figuring out how she’s going to thrive in the happiest and healthiest way possible for herself. 

Cox: I love hearing about this new phase of your life. As a black woman, you have so much weight to carry on your shoulders as a mother, wife, daughter, and more. How can you let go of those labels and realize that Khadeen the person is there and needs your care? 
Ellis: Honestly, I think that’s just how we are wired as black women—to always be everything for everyone and have the answers. We are tired! Tired Mike, but you know that still within that excitement, deep down, there’s still the need to be able to be everything for everyone. 

So, what I’ve been doing more recently is stripping down the layers of Khadeen, the mom, the wife, and the podcast. I’ve allowed myself to really delegate more, unload a little bit more, and ask for support and help when needed. I’m no longer requiring myself to be the only one able to do certain things. This then allows me even a couple of minutes of the day to just be by myself. 

Cox: This sounds like you are starting to incorporate more self-care into your life. 
Ellis: We throw around the term self-care so much nowadays, to the point where I feel like it’s just becoming another colloquial term. But it really is important to reload, recharge, and turn off sometimes. 

So let me share with you that at the beginning of each year, me and my husband always choose our own word of the year. This year he said his word was ‘so.’ When he said that, I was like, “Alright, use it in context (laughs). Like, give it to me in a sentence. I had to go back to school with that one. But the example he gave me was that if someone comes to him with a problem, he is going to reply, that’s his way of saying it’s above him now and someone else will deal with it. 

So, my answer is no. Because I used to feel so much guilt for saying no., I had to feel like I needed to be in every room, at every event, and in the mix. I felt I had to be seen so I could potentially meet someone I could leverage for the next opportunity. And I was running myself ragged. But now I have learned the beauty of saying no. I don’t necessarily have to be in that room or in the mix. 

It’s about protecting my peace at this point. That’s paramount.   

Cox: I know it’s hard to say no, especially because of the industry you are in. It’s like you have to be seen and know the right people. 
Ellis: Maybe it’s me and my big age now, but I’m accustomed to understanding more wholeheartedly that what’s for me will not pass me by. It won’t! I focus on aligning myself with the things that are going to get me what I want in life, not necessarily just being in everything if it doesn’t serve a purpose. 

I’m saying no thanks if something doesn’t serve me, my health, mental health, or happiness. It’s just not for me. I’ve been doing this for the last five months more than ever, and I feel much better because Khadeen is taking a stand. This is the season where Khadeen is stripping back the layers of who she is and not doing anything outside of her comfort zone that isn’t going to be beneath her family, career, and herself. 

Cox: I love how it always comes back to family for you. With that, I want to talk about raising four black sons in this day and age. 
Ellis: I have a saying, “Borrowing a child is giving birth to worry and fear in perpetuity.” There are so many things that come along with being a parent, especially raising black boys in America in the climate of today. I’m so conscious of making sure that I am speaking life into my children first and foremost. We are doing daily affirmations when they leave the house for school or when I’m driving them. Some of the affirmations are: “I’m going to be great; I’m smart; I’m intelligent; I’m worthy; and I’m capable. My husband and I speak purposefully when speaking life into our sons. 

Cox: I love that! It reminds me of how my mom raised me. I would love to know what else you place importance on when it comes to bringing up black sons. 
Ellis: Oh, we are also big on teaching emotional intelligence. We want them to understand how to express their emotions as well as how to control them in environments that may not necessarily be receptive to the way they express themselves. We all know too well how many of these spaces treat black children when they express emotions, and it garners different attention than it would with other children. 

Cox: What’s something you learned raising boys? 
Ellis: The importance of creating a safe space for them to come home to and be able to tell their mom or dad anything We have a set policy, whereas if something goes wrong with one child or we see that they’re reacting in a way like getting angry in a particular situation, we tackle it right in that moment so that nothing festers. It’s important not to let emotions build up. 

Something I learned as a woman and mother raising boys came from my husband. I used to rule with an iron fist because that’s what I was used to growing up in a strong Caribbean household. But my husband showed me that with boys, you must take a different approach or try to meet them at this level because it will get across a bit better. 

Cox: You and your husband showcase such amazing parenting when it comes to your sons. What’s something you have learned that works well when parenting together? 
Ellis: Feedback from each other is important. I might overhear him say something to one child, or he might see how I react with another child, and we later tell each other how we could have handled the situation better. Like we have real conversations saying, “I think you flew off the handle here and that wasn’t necessary. Or I think you should have said XYV.” And unbeknownst to our sons, we had these conversations, and we came back with apologies and acknowledgement of how the situation was handled. 

Taking accountability is huge in our household, and it’s something that we want our boys to have as men for their actions. 

Cox: I just loved learning about you as a woman, with this new stage you are entering, and as a phenomenal mother. Before we go, I want to talk about you as the wife and your book that’s out, “We Over Me.” What was the motivation behind it, and why this book? 
Ellis: Man, the book! I’ll tell you, I shied away from doing a book at first. I think I was just more overwhelmed by the process of writing a book. But it just made so much sense when my husband was speaking about it with me and our manager. It was like the natural succession of things going from YouTube videos to podcasts and now diving deeper into our story. 

We’ve gotten so many DMS and comments about how a person wants what we have or to find a Devale or Khadeen. I’m like, listen, ya’ll, if you saw us twenty years ago, you would be wondering why the hell Devale or Khadeen are still here. Do you think this happened overnight? Absolutely not.   

So, this book was something we could use to be more transparent and relatable. I value always being as authentic as possible, which I think has provided us with longevity in this space. 

With that transparency in this book, we wanted to make sure we felt it necessary to share the good times, highlights, struggles, and other things we’ve had to overcome. We hope that in this book you see that the Devale and Khadeen you see today didn’t happen just by magic. 

Cox: “We Over Me”—where did the title come from? 
Ellis: The working title of it was “A Brooklyn Love Story.” But then, as we were writing and trying to figure out a title that was going to be broader and attract many different audiences, we came up with it because we thought, when they look at this cover, this book is about storytelling. It’s about how we as individuals were going through certain things in our relationship and marriage, but what took over was the support and love that we had for each other to help each other through that moment. 

We were a couple that started out at eighteen and nineteen. At those ages, you don’t know what the hell you want, and that causes a lot of things to not be aligned as you get older. Especially when you are trying to consider someone else’s feelings at the same time. This caused us to have too many difficulties at different phases of our lives. And I know this will sound cliché, but each time we started to realize the good outweighed the bad, 

Cox: What’s something we can learn from this book? 
Ellis: We talk about a counterintuitive approach to getting everything you want out of a relationship. You know, many people approach relationships thinking, “Well, here’s my list. He’s got to be 6’3 and make $250K a year, have a house, etc. There are these lists that both men and women create, but we want you to ask questions for yourself instead. What are you bringing to the relationship? How are you showing up as your most true and authentic self in the relationship? What are you bringing to serve your partner? 

You will learn how to think about the other person and reciprocity keeps things going because it’s about taking care of each other. 

And the reason why this book is so good for people who are single, dating, married, divorced, aspire to marry, or don’t aspire to marry is because we don’t just tackle relationship things. We talk about things that we were thinking as individuals that helped us decipher whether we wanted to continue in this space. 

Cox: Any parting words? 
Ellis: The only way that you’ll find true happiness, whether it’s in a relationship or not, is by being your true self and not coming as a representative of yourself. You have to be true to who you are at any moment and honest with whoever you are engaging with in a relationship.