Discovering Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Building Meaningful Relationships: An Intimate Conversation with Brenden Durell

Many of you may recognize Brenden Durell as the charismatic, authentic, and caring relationship guru from Netflix’s Too Hot to Handle. However, I had the opportunity to develop a deeper understanding of him. He shared intimate details with me about what led him to this point and why he is passionate about making a positive impact and bringing about transformation in the lives of others. He is not just a coach or mentor, but also an inspiration to others. His goal is to inspire everyone he meets. What sets him apart is his genuine aspiration to bring about meaningful transformation and encourage others to introspect and explore beyond their own selves. This was a discussion centered around the topics of self-discovery, finding purpose, and fostering more meaningful relationships with oneself and others.

Cox: Brenden fans fell in love with you when you were introduced to them on Too Hot to Handle. You have an amazing story and journey, but before we get into all of that, I want to know who Brenden is.
Durell: Man, Mike! You know, Brenden is just a normal human being born in New Jersey and raised in New York. Growing up, I was one of those eclectic alternative kids who just happened to be good at sports (laughs). So, I didn’t get picked on as much as the other kids. Plus, I was also one of the bigger kids, both in height and weight, and a little chubby.

For a lot of my upbringing, I must give praise to my parents because I was raised by a strong Puerto Rican mother and black father. I still to this day tell everyone how my pops is my biggest fan and supporter, even at the earliest age. He was planting seeds in me at an early age because he knew I wasn’t meant to stay in New York forever. It’s because of his support that I got a scholarship to play ball in college which paid for school which eventually led me to having an opportunity to play pro ball. This was all due to him pushing me out into the world and challenging my fears of the unknown.

Cox: I love that because it got you to this place where you are living your purpose and pushing others to be their best selves. As a lifestyle coach, what does it mean to you when you are referred to as a ‘lifestyle coach,” and how do you help others?
Durell: I love how you positioned that because, even as a coach and mentor, I believe that my greatest gift and my area of expertise is leading by example with my lifestyle. It’s not just me telling someone, “Hey, you can feel better by doing these steps. My clients must see that’s I’m living exactly what I’m inviting them to do, which is key to progress in their lives. Lifestyle to me is all-encompassing, from the wisdom, knowledge, and the amazing people you meet along the way.

Remember, there is no manual when it comes to this thing we call “lifestyle”.

Cox: That’s a good point, because I think right now people think that when they hear lifestyle, there is a formula to it. What was it that got you to this point where you knew that your passion and calling were to be transformative in other people’s lives?
Durell: It was actually when I was playing my last season of pro ball in Germany. I was paid very well to play two games over the course of the week. To put this in context, some individuals were getting paid less in the minors and affiliate leagues in America. My integrity came into question when I realized I was showing up late to practices. I was even showing up to games right before we had to start to play.

I realized I was self-sabotaging my life because this wasn’t how I had ever played the game in my entire life. I’m like, “What am I doing, and why am I doing this?” I knew that deep down I wasn’t meant to keep hitting a ball to make a living for the rest of my life. So, I decided to hang up my cleats, do the opposite of what my life currently looked like and become a gym teacher at an international school in Kampala, Uganda. This was where I got my first taste of what it felt like to inspire and teach people. I was living in East Africa and living my best life.

Cox: You made a drastic change, which is hard for most people to do. What gave you the strength or motivation to make that big move and leap?
Durell: Michael, I just felt like I had no other options. I could go back to New York and stay with my mom, or I could go experience something totally new that was all paid for. Plus I had this deep calling to go to Africa. There was something drawing me back to the land of our ancestors. I’ve been to many countries in Latin America, Southeast Asia, Australia, and Europe, but not the motherland. Really, it was almost like a no-brainer when I thought about it.

I knew that this moment would be pivotal for me, so I had to take it.

Cox: What was it about your time in Africa that inspired you so heavily that the impact is lasting today?
Durell: When I first got to Uganda, I had a moment of sadness and grief come over me because I saw these people, Ugandans, get to enjoy this beautiful place we were stolen from, and they got to stay here. Like my ancestors, they were taken from here and placed elsewhere. All these questions came over me, like, “What would my lineage have been like if we hadn’t been taken away from this beautiful place?

This led me to this beautiful journey of deep self-inquiry about who I am, where I’m from, the true meaning of my work, and how I am going to make an impact. These only came to mind after being in Africa.

Cox: Brenden, you went from the USA to Europe, and in between, to Africa, and back to the USA. During this journey, especially after your stay in Africa, how did you know what type of coach you would later become?
Durell: That’s a powerful question, and to keep it real and vulnerable, I still struggle with the words and terms, like a coach. Before the term coach was attached to me, my ministry was just to inspire people. It just so happens that along my journey of wanting and desiring to inspire others, I met others who were on a similar path, from coaches to entrepreneurs and influencers. They were the ones who caught my vibe and saw this for me. I eventually embodied it all and started helping people with intimacy and sex issues in their relationships. I was like, “If no one’s going to do the work, then I will. I have to do this for myself.

I can look back and see that it was an internal battle that was a little self-sabotaging at first because it kept me from actually expressing myself authentically and inspiring others.

Cox: Thanks for sharing that vulnerable moment with me. Speaking of vulnerability and intimacy As a lifestyle coach and relationship guru, what are some things you think are important for an individual to understand about themselves before heading into a relationship?
Durell: Knowing oneself is the most important thing someone can do before entering into any type of relationship. This could be sexual, romantic, business, or whatever, but you must know who you truly are as an individual to provide greater context and support to another individual. So, when I speak about intimacy, I’m talking about it from an all-encompassing viewpoint. Like, how intimate are you with yourself?

Cox: I want to know the differences between self-intimacy and intimacy with another person. Let’s start with self-intimacy.
Durell: Both have the same encompassing love and energy, but there are different points of distinction. When it comes to self-intimacy, the best thing you can do is understand your own triggers, traumas, and other things that have affected how you position yourself in life. You have to know your blind spots. This is part of self-intimacy because you can only communicate what you know, and if you don’t know, then you can’t communicate. So how do you think you can step into a romantic relationship with another person? It’s literally knowing these things about yourself that makes it better for you and that other person when you are in the same space.

This is how you can communicate, “Hey, I’m going through this; I’m working on this, or I’m aware of this. This brings awareness to them as well.

Cox: Now you are about to have us start some needed inner work. So, what’s the difference between intimacy and intimacy with another person?
Durell: This is what I call external intimacy and is about being all-encompassing in the present. This form of intimacy requires us to be in the present moment with the individual and not have things from our past weighing us down, like past relationships, experiences, and a whole lot of other things people don’t consider that are weighing them down. But this is also about understanding our partners and their triggers, traumas, and things that affect them outside of the relationship. This is why external intimacy is about turning into what is impacting ‘us.’ Remember we are doing our best to see the other person from their own unique standpoint. (Most times it won’t happen, but we can put effort in and try)

Cox: As we continue this conversation of intimacy. From a relationship guru standpoint, how do two people allow for growth in the relationship?
Durell: It’s okay if one’s growth in a relationship is taking them in other directions. The important part is that growth is happening in the relationship for both parties involved. Some people are okay with staying where they are, and that’s fine. But the problem is that if one is and the other isn’t, then that’s when the discourse evolves. I want to make sure people remember that growing individually in a relationship is supposed to contribute to the overall growth of the relationship. You can’t be thinking I’m just growing and working on myself alone; that’s the focus. Growth in a relationship also gives your partner the opportunity to grow as well.

Cox: So, does selfishness play a negative or positive role in this growth discussion?
Durell: Yes, in a romantic sense. If you are focusing solely on yourself and forgetting the “we” or “us” mentality, then that’s the problem. Again, remember that you are a team, and you aren’t just growing for yourself per se. Sometimes we allow this egoic selfishness to come in, where we think that either the other person gets with it or not. And for some people, that might work, but in a loving and compassionate relationship, your growth will also be a reflection of your love for the other person.

Cox: I love that! So from your experience, what are some of the foundations that make for an intimate, vulnerable, and positive relationship?
Durell: Intentional sharing of time is key. And also respecting that your partner is not meant to be your sounding board or dumping board at all times. When things come up in our lives that we want to share with our partners or have a conversation about, we have to check to see if they are in the right place to receive them. It’s okay if they aren’t. This is why I tell my clients to create intentional time where they can share and talk about things and also spend time with each other where they disconnect from the world.

Cox: Before we end this conversation, please tell me why creating intentional time within our relationships is necessary.
Durell: We get busy in our day-to-day lives. Now that you have this time set aside that’s just for you two, you must show up no matter what. This is the carved-out schedule you both have intentionally created where you get to be non-sexually intimate with one another. There is to be no sexual activity. It’s a time where you talk about goals, desires, challenges. It’s also a place where you’re just enjoying each other’s company and participating in leisure activities after you had a real heart-led conversation. After y’all can go binge watch a show. “

If you are interested in booking Brenden or getting to know more about what he can offer, please visit https://mn2s.com/booking-agency/talent-roster/brenden-durell/