How to Deal with a Difficult Family

Written by Katherine Fernandez

Everyone has been there. You’re so excited to have all your favorite people in the same place, sitting around the table smiling and laughing and enjoying each other’s company, until one aunt starts her seemingly innocuous line of questioning. “When are you going to settle down and start a family?” or “How’s that little business you started?” Suddenly, your perceived shortcomings are laid bare for the entire family to pick apart, and now you regret ever leaving your house that morning. So what’s next? Rather than lashing out and souring your evening even further, the answers lie in creating and reinforcing boundaries. 

When growing up, so many of us are programmed not to argue with authority or speak out against adults, particularly adult family members. Our families told us that respect for those with seniority was more important than demanding respect for ourselves. As children, you’re taught to stay in a child’s place, so when family dinners escalated into terse exchanges of words, there was an unspoken rule that you remain silent and avert your attention. As we get older, we come to see the passive-aggressive slights for what they truly are: disrespect under the guise of concern. How you respond to these situations in your adulthood is entirely up to you, but effective communication means a little bit of emotional labor on your part.

Before your family gathering even starts, reflect on past years and set realistic expectations. You may have dedicated time and energy to your personal growth since you last saw your family, but don’t be so quick to assume that they have done the same. You should welcome change; just don’t think it’s a given.

Also, go in with mindfulness at the forefront of all interactions. A lot of times, anger and miscommunication can come from a lack of self-awareness. These past few years have been challenging and riddled with constant change, and that’s putting it mildly. Although it’s only natural to want to share positive changes with your loved ones, like landing your dream job or finally becoming a homeowner, remember to be mindful. The last thing you want to do is list your achievements to your favorite cousin only to realize that they’ve suffered painful losses and are still feeling those effects. Don’t get me wrong; you should never feel guilty about your success, but remain humble and considerate of others, even if someone else in the family didn’t get the memo. We all have that one uncle who is always trying to flex on the family but is really just doing the most. Don’t be that guy. 

Confrontation gets a bad rap. Even though it has a negative connotation, it doesn’t necessarily have to be aggressive in nature. Conflict can open the door for communication. There are a couple of different ways to go about it, depending on what you think works best for you. 

If you know yourself to be on the more timid side, you may want to focus on preserving your peace more so than saying your piece. In this case, be firm in your boundaries and don’t allow people to goad you into a hostile conversation. For example, when faced with a situation where you feel a disagreement is turning into an all-out war, don’t be afraid to walk away. Think something along the lines of “I don’t like how this conversation is escalating. I’m going to excuse myself until we can both speak respectfully.” Does it sound a little condescending? Maybe. But keep in mind that “winning” the argument isn’t the point; keeping yourself together is. You are in control, and that’s key. 

On the flip side of that is assertiveness. You’re the opposite of timid, but you’re tired of being painted as a villain for refusing to allow certain things to slide. When you align more with this personality type, the first thing you want to do is pick your battles wisely. Learn when to let things go, even if you feel like it all needs to be addressed. Advocating for yourself and others is harder to do when people have these preconceptions of you as combative.  

Unfortunately, when you’re perceived as the “bad guy” even before a conversation begins, the other parties involved are less likely to listen to you actively. Instead of listening with the intent to understand you better, they’re using the time you’re speaking as a time to formulate their response. As frustrating as this is, try to mimic the kind of response you’re seeking. For example, reiterate their counterpoints when you respond. “While I understand that you feel xyz, I don’t think you’re really hearing me when I say abc.” This technique of paraphrasing what the other speaker said helps ensure a clear understanding of each other’s points. 

Above all, always remember that you don’t owe anybody anything; not your time, not your patience, and certainly not your peace. If you find your family toxic, you don’t have to subscribe to the “that’s still your family no matter what” ideology. Dysfunction begets dysfunction, so don’t be afraid to be the generation that breaks the cycle.