Putting yourself First with Melissa Fredericks – A conversation on being a wife and motherhood!

Cox: Melissa before we get into this book please tell me who is Melissa? 

Fredericks: Oh I love this question. I’m a mother and wife but above all else I’m a woman in this world trying to figure it all out just as much as the people reading this. 

Cox: From podcast to book writing, what was it that led Melissa down this path? 

Fredericks: The spark and interest in the entire conversation of love and relationships started when Kevin and I first got married. We were leading a marriage class at our church which when I look back I don’t know why they gave that responsibility to us. We had been married for all of three minutes (laughs).

Fredericks (contin): One of the first books we actually introduced to the church was The Five Love Languages. That was a life-changing moment for Kevin and I from not just teaching the information from the book but also what we learned from it. This ignited me on a journey of curiosity to see what else is out there as a resource on what it means to be a wife. I wanted to know everything that I didn’t know about being a wife and also love. 

Fredericks (contin): The podcast came about after learning more and more about being a woman, wife, and sexy through my research. I knew I couldn’t be the only one with a similar story. It started because I wanted to use my platform to share the information that I was learning. 

Melissa sees herself as both a student and teacher in life. A teacher because she has an innate desire to help guide others and a student because she is continuously learning. If you ask her, she will tell you she is a student first and teacher second. She says that because as a student she learns more to give back as teaching. It’s very full circle for her. She says the platform is literally meant for her and Kevin to be both students and teachers of things. 

Cox: What are some things you saw about yourself as a mother and wife? Many times we hear about women losing themselves when they get married and then when they have a child.

Fredericks: I felt like we as women are just natural givers. Then when we get to this crossroads of being a wife and motherhood, we lose ourselves giving to everyone but ourselves. Mothers don’t realize it until after their kids are going off to college. I have a woman I’ve met who said after her kids left the home she didn’t really know what to do with her life without the routine of taking care of everyone. 

Fredericks (contin): When you get married you lose yourself trying to be the wife. Then when you have children, you lose yourself trying to be married. When these two happen then you lose yourself on who you are as a person. I want women to know that we have to step back and reevaluate what it means for us to show up as a wife and or mother. We go down this road of sacrificing to show up for our husbands as a wife and as a mother for our kids. But the problem is we don’t know how to sacrifice and show up for ourselves. 

Melissa points out that it’s not necessarily a need for women but the lack of desiring to show up for themselves. She wants to encourage them to get that desire and know that they are worthy of sacrificing for themselves as they do for the entire family. It’s time for wives and mothers to redefine what that can look like for them. They will always be caregivers and keeping down the house, but they need to understand the importance in refilling their own well after making sure everyone else’s is filled to the brim. 

Cox: (Laughs) You make it sound like sometimes women can become their own Olivia Pope’s to their family and become the mistress.

Fredericks: That’s a great analogy because a lot of times you see women doing so much for the family and being behind the scenes taking the photos and making sure the dad and the kids have matching outfits. Therefore, I talk about ‘Main Character Energy.’ The moment I stop treating myself like the mistress to my home and step into being a main character. This is when I found the most fulfillment. But only you can choose to step into the main character role, no one else can do that for you. 

Melissa doesn’t want any wife and or mother to look up one day and not know who they are or that they haven’t reached their full potential. This is the one sacrifice she doesn’t want them to make. She said it’s not worth it, so they need to start now and get into that Main Character Energy because no one else will. 

Photo credit: XO Kelley Raye